Number One- Your dog enjoys seeing you naked
I often hear humans complain that their precious Rover turns into a furry little perv whenever they begin undress. Calmly sitting on the carpet in their bedroom, he simply watches and waits, his attention intensifying with each discarded garment. I think the phrase they use to describe their reaction to this uncomfortable phenomenon is “ getting a serious case of the heebie jeebies.”
As if the sight of your paunchy hairless body parading around in underwear is somehow attractive to us. I’ll let you in on a little canine secret folks: It’s not what you are taking off that interests us- it’s what you are putting ON.
For example: The combination of dress pants and shiny shoes can mean only one thing; you are going to the office and I will be left alone for an unusually cruel amount of time.
The donning of a pair of sweatpants with t-shirt and our hearts rejoice. For that beautiful outfit insures we will be spending the day together, which just might include a ride in the car! Whoo hoo.
When you squeeze yourself into that little black dress and apply a dab of lipstick –this indicates a night out with the Hubby. You probably won’t be gone long, but more than likely, I’ll be completely ignored when you do get home.
Your choice of attire has proven to be the barometer on the quality of our upcoming day. It can mean the difference between a day of fun in the sun or 8 hours of solitary confinement. So, the next time you find yourself half dressed, reaching for a pair of shoes, while we stare from afar. Rest assured, we are not admiring your lacy new Victoria’s Secret bra- we are silently chanting “pick the sneakers, pick the sneakers.”
Number Two- My Mom knows a lot about dogs
All our friends and family members think Mom knows all there is to know about dogs simply because she volunteers for a rescue. Nothing could be further from the truth. Yet, she is the first one they come to with their countless dog-related questions. She usually Googles the answer and gets back to them quickly, thus perpetuating the myth. The fact is I am the only dog she ever had, and while I hate to brag, I am so well behaved and intelligent- I practically raised myself. So the sad fact remains- she doesn’t know jack about dogs. She just feels sorry for them.
Many of the other volunteers are experts, however. We can claim a vet tech, a dog trainer, and a dog groomer among our ranks- just to name a few.
My Auntie JF, along with my Auntie J (see “Say Bye Bye to Bear Bear) happen to be X-treme dog breed experts. They can identify the most obscure combination of doggie DNA swimming around in the mangiest of mutts in 2.7 seconds flat. They live to play the “Guess the Breed” game when they go out in public together. It works like this:
First, they spy an unsuspecting victim with an unusual looking dog at the end of their leash.
“Excuse me Sir, but is that a Nova Scotia Duck Trolling Retriever / Treeing Walker Coonhound / Catahoula Leopard Dog mix?”
“Why yes, she is” the victim responds proudly, waiting for the inevitable compliment that usually accompanies such an inquiry.
“I KNEW IT!” my Aunties scream in unison. They cackle with delight and proceed to dance down the street, high fiving each other the entire way.
The hapless victim, scratching his head in confusion, is left in the dust.
I find Mom’s dog identification method to be much more sound: White, brown, black and small, medium and large.
But expert or not, Mom loves dogs. I guess that’s good enough in the end.
Number Three- Dog rescue is primarily a female cause
Actually, apon further investigation dear readers, it ends up this one is true.
It’s a disturbing phenomenon that really needs looking into. Oh sure, there are a few token males in the recue world, but the women outnumber the men by about 100 to 1. Mom blames it on something called testosterone. I have NO idea what that means, but she claims it is related to the shooting of guns, the passing of gas in public and watching boxing on TV.
In this tradition, our rescue has a few token men as well and my all time favorite is Uncle VB. He is the rescue’s official photographer and his picture taking skills are unrivaled. Plus, he is practically already famous because had one of his photographs published in a book!
Note to self: get Uncle VB’s autograph.
Mom always admires Uncle VB’s photographs, but inside, she is really quite jealous. Because, even though she has an equally expensive camera, her pictures look more like they were taken by a 3rd grader (no offense to my 3rd grade readers).
Uncle VB reads my blog regularly and supports me with encouraging messages like: “keep up the good work BB”. Which means a lot.
He happens to be married to my Auntie B, also a volunteer.
They are the picture perfect couple and, I truly believe, if we all were transported back in time to high school; they would be the homecoming king and queen. Auntie B is the rescues volunteer coordinator. And it is soooo obvious why she was picked for the job. Her personality is so sunny and sweet, that once a potential volunteer spends a mere 5 minutes the phone with her, they fall under her spell, and become convinced they would just die if they couldn’t join the team.(that’s what happened to Mom- probably Uncle VB too 🙂 ) She has a smooth silky voice that sounds like pure milk and honey is dripping through the phone. Mom jokes that she could make a fortune running an adult hotline. I’m not sure what she means by this but it must be something wonderful because Tommy grins from ear to ear when she says it and his eyes sparkle.
Number Four- Saving a dog will change the world
No, saving a dog will not change the world, but….
It does change the world for that one dog.
Side bar: To be honest, I actually “borrowed” that touching motto. The litigious among us call that plagiarism, but I’d like to remind the author of that particular snippet of wisdom: imitation is the highest form of flattery. I hope that disclaimer keeps me from getting hauled off to small claims court for copyright infringement.
Number Five- That horrible odor in the room came from the dog
Simply not true- no need to elaborate. To those of you who say this, and you know who you are, shame on you.